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Saturday, June 30, 2018

The generic editorial against Trump's next pick

Writing newspaper editorials is an exercise in exasperating futility. They have scant impact. 243 newspapers endorsed Hillary. 20 endorsed Donald John Trump. Who won?

To those still laboring at a craft that last had impact in the 19th century, I draw upon my 27 years of experience to offer this generic editorial on whomever President Trump nominates for the Supreme Court.

You may cut and paste it, and your boss will not notice the difference.

The Senate Must Reject This Monster

President Trump -- a vain, deranged, and impulsive man elected by Russia and not a majority of Americans -- has nominated the worst judicial candidate since Roger Brooke Taney, the chief justice who authored the Dred Scott decision. [Nominee's name] may be worse. Not only does [he or she] view African-Americans as chattel, but women as second-class citizens!

Most Republicans want to return America to the oppressive and conformist days of the 1950s when everyone had a job instead of welfare!

President Trump has nominated a person who wants to return to the slave days of 1850s!

This would be Armageddon for our Constitution. Women would be forced to seek reproduction freedom from back-alley butchers again. Republicans would bar minorities and millennials from voting. People would be allowed to own as many guns as they like without registering them; vaginas would be more regulated than assault weapons!

As a justice, [nominee's name] would declare open season on undocumented workers, forcing them to return to the squalor and violence they fled in their native countries. The Statue of Liberty would be sold as scrap as our borders would be shut to all but a few!

With this nomination, President Trump has made an existential attack on democracy. This nomination would guarantee the alt-right control of the nation's highest court for the next 50 years. If confirmed by the Senate, [nominee's name] would be complicit in shutting down newspapers, silencing critics, and allowing hate speech in a perverted misinterpretation of the First Amendment!

Corporations would be allowed to pollute the air and rivers again. Then they would move all the jobs overseas. Slave wages would be paid on the remaining jobs as citizens and undocumented workers would compete for those jobs in Wall Street's version of "The Hunger Games"!

As a justice, [nominee's name] would usher in a new era that would turn America into a theocracy in which prayer returns to school, the teaching of evolution is banned, and only climate change deniers would be allowed to teach science!

Only Fox News would be allowed to broadcast. The president would be allowed to spy on the political opposition. The president could weaponize the IRS to go after his enemies, and the court would be silent about this threat to democracy!

This is not who we are. We are better than this. These are not our values. Not only must the Senate reject [nominee's name] but the Senate must vote to disbar [him or her] to show that the nation will not tolerate intolerance!

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Please enjoy my books in paperback and on Kindle.

Trump the Press covers the nomination.

Trump the Establishment covers the election.

Fake News Follies of 2017 covers his first year as president.

For autographed copies, write me at DonSurber@gmail.com

22 comments:

  1. So you found the Subreddit where the looney left gets all the unhinged rhetoric they then cut and paste all over social media and in blogs like this one! I was starting to think it was on the Dark Web or something...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With all do respect, I write my own material and the irony of your false accusation greatly amuses me.

      Nice blog though.

      https://thesoundofonehandtyping.wordpress.com

      Delete
    2. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

      Seriously, great post!

      Delete
    3. Apparently, you do write all your own material. "all do respect"?

      Delete
  2. Forgot to use "orange dotard" but I'll give you full credit if you go to the next Violent Hemorrhaging Pussy March in DC.

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  3. The man, the legend. Don Surber, ladies and gentlemen!

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    Replies
    1. Absolutely. Don is a genius, but this may be his magnum opus.

      Delete
  4. To emphasize the irony your editorial should have ended as "...the nation is intolerant to intolerance."

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  5. I'd swear I've already read that editorial, but can't remember whether it was in the WaPo or the NYT!

    Well done, Don! (You're not after Chris Cillizza's job, are you? LOL!)

    One thing, though- every time that Whoopi Goldberg waves her vagina around, I think that yes, vaginas should be regulated.... YMMV!

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  6. Plus the nominee will push for a return to traditional Thanksgiving celebrations.

    That is, beating up hippies.

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  7. You forgot to write that the new justice would allow Trump to put everyone he dislikes or disagrees with into concentration camps. Because Nazis.

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  8. Leftist fake news will cause a civil war in this country. I am very worried. We must have a red tidal wvae this November are else all is lost!

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  9. Dude, like Trump can't even nominate anyone until Mueller finishes his investigation. Or until someone investigates why Kennedy retired now. When his son is the guy giving money and filthy lucre to Trump. Or because other stuff. So no need for this editorial right now.

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  10. I wish Trump and more honest news folk would print this, NOW, and then laugh at the Dem media bullies as they try to criticize the pick. Especially when all the PC bullies will try to claim that their criticism is only against this particular nominee.

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  11. Great, but you left out "the arc of history bends toward..." blather. :)

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  12. Outstanding.
    Posted this comment on American Thinker:

    Now I'm beginning to think we need a new name for the label throwing that will inevitably be forthcoming. Maybe "label-plating" or "labelation"?

    And we also need a way to score each label throwing effort. Perhaps one point for each label, bonus points for more than five (or should it be ten?) and additional bonus points for rarely used or creative, but highly emotive, labels.

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  13. The lefty cliche drinking game.

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  14. Will Hillary be paying royalties for picking up on this?

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