Chickens scare New Yorker

Chick-fil-A scares Dan Piepenbring, a freelance writer in Brooklyn. He believes the Atlanta-based chain of chicken sandwich shops is one long nightmare for the City that Never Sleeps.

Chick-fil-A’s arrival in New York City feels like an infiltration, in no small part because of its pervasive Christian traditionalism. https://t.co/wnhMrMBN6z

— The New Yorker (@NewYorker) April 13, 2018

Writing in New Yorker magazine, he said, "New York has taken to Chick-fil-A. One of the Manhattan locations estimates that it sells a sandwich every six seconds, and the company has announced plans to open as many as a dozen more storefronts in the city. And yet the brand’s arrival here feels like an infiltration, in no small part because of its pervasive Christian traditionalism. Its headquarters, in Atlanta, is adorned with Bible verses and a statue of Jesus washing a disciple’s feet. Its stores close on Sundays."

It is closed on Sundays? Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

According to Piepenbring, the chicken sandwich shops are tainted with homophobia.

"Its C.E.O., Dan Cathy, has been accused of bigotry for using the company's charitable wing to fund anti-gay causes, including groups that oppose same-sex marriage," Piepenbring wrote.

Wow.

Maybe the secret ingredient in the sandwiches turns gay men straight.

"I noticed that word — community — scattered everywhere in the Fulton Street restaurant. A shelf of children’s books bears a plaque testifying to 'our love for this local community.' The tables are made of reclaimed wood, which creates, according to a Chick-fil-A press release, 'an inviting space to build community.' A blackboard with the header 'Our Community' displays a chalk drawing of the city skyline. Outside, you can glimpse an earlier iteration of that skyline on the building’s façade, which, with two tall, imperious rectangles jutting out, 'gives a subtle impression of the Twin Towers,'" he wrote.

"This emphasis on community, especially in the misguided nod to 9/11, suggests an ulterior motive."

So what is he saying? The owner of the McDonald's off Interstate 77 in Ohio that is a virtual shrine to Woody Hayes has an ulterior motive?

I can only guess what sinister plans McDonald's has, but for Chick-fil-A, again, it must be a secret ingredient that turns gay men straight.

The Chick-fil-A cows really freak him out. Their call for people to "Eat Mor Chikin" has given him a severe case of bovinophobia.

"If the restaurant is a megachurch, the Cows are its ultimate evangelists. Since their introduction in the mid-nineties — when they began advising Atlanta motorists to 'eat mor chikin' — they’ve remained one of the most popular, and most morbid, advertising campaigns in fast-food history, crucial to Chick-fil-A’s corporate culture. S. Truett Cathy, the chain’s founder and Dan Cathy’s late father, saw them as a tool to spread the gospel of chicken," he wrote.

The gospel of chicken? But I thought Jesus ate fish. Lots and lots of fish.

Ad man Stan Richards created the Chick-fil-A cows. Piepenbring quoted his book, "One consumer wrote to tell us the campaign was so effective that every time he sees a field of cows he thinks of chicken. We co-opted an entire species."

The ulterior motive is becoming clearer.

Chick-fil-A doesn't have a secret ingredient that turns gay men straight. It has a far more sinister thing in mind. I have deciphered the coded message from the cows.

"Eat Mor Chikin" means Chick-fil-A wants you to eat more chicken!

No wonder Piepenbring is afraid.

And the subliminal messaging works. After his story was posted, he tweeted, "Welp time to sit down with a Wendy's spicy chicken sandwich and a cold one and read my mentions."

Wendy's? Should I tell him that its founder was pro-life and encouraged people to adopt children?

Nyah. I don't want him to starve.

UPDATE:

This is why Trump won. https://t.co/3tcoFZfSo2

— Nate Silver (@NateSilver538) April 14, 2018