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Thursday, November 03, 2016

Our demands when Trump invades Canada

Toronto-based novelist Madeline Ashby believes that President Trump will invade Canada.

Darn, who told her?

Writing in the Ottawa Citizen, Ashby said:
Canada is a country worthy of invasion. Canada has abundant resources of fresh water, oil, coal and timber, all of which will be increasingly important as climate change continues its death march across history. The longer we scorch the Earth, the more valuable Canada’s resources become. If this weren’t the case, Nestlé wouldn’t have worked so hard to outbid the small town of Aberfoyle, Ont., for its own water. Nestlé’s justification for the purchase of the Middlebrook site indicated that it was a “supplemental well for future business growth.” Nestlé is thinking ahead. Is Canada?
Besides, we all know how Trump feels about oil resources. “It used to be ‘to the victor belong the spoils,’ ” he said when asked about Iraq at the NBC Commander in Chief Forum, adding “Now, there was no victor there, believe me. There was no victor. But I always said: Take the oil.” How would President Trump feel, if he learned that Canada is second only to Saudi Arabia in its available oil reserves, and that its oil is less costly to produce than that of other suppliers?
Would President Trump wait for a pipeline? No. Waiting for a safe and legal pipeline takes too much time. Annexations for oil resources are much simpler. Just ask Ukraine. Given Trump’s connections to Putin via ex-adviser Paul Manafort, and his pro-Kremlin foreign policy positions, it’s not a daring leap of imagination to consider that Trump might put Putin’s tactics to use regarding Canada.
Before I go any further, I must correct the record. The United States is sitting on more proven oil reserves than Saudi Arabia, Russia, or Canada.

From CNBC:
The US holds more oil reserves than Saudi Arabia and Russia, the first time it has surpassed those held by the world's biggest exporting nations, according to a new study.
Rystad Energy estimates recoverable oil in the US from existing fields, discoveries and yet undiscovered areas amounts to 264bn barrels. The figure surpasses Saudi Arabia's 212bn and Russia's 256bn in reserves.
We have so much oil that most of it we placed of limits for fear of spooking a caribou or giving a seagull PTSD from seeing a derrick 50 miles off the coast. We prefer to import oil because our politicians collect bigger kickbacks from foreigners.

As for annexing Canada, oh my gosh, that would create problems. What would we do with all the polar bears and celebrities who threatened to leave the USA if we elected Trump? You think we want them back? We're secretly hoping the polar bears eat them. We have enough of a country already and doubling its size only complicates matters.

Plus, Canadians are too damned nice. You think a fuggedaboutit New Yorker wants anything to do with people who apologize for being so apologetic?

And Canada is too clean. There. I said it. When film-makers use Toronto as a surrogate for New York City, they have to toss trash in the streets -- and then guard against unwitting interlopers who want to pick it up. Who can live like that?

So invading Canada was really more of an idea than a plan.

But if Ashby insists that we invade, I suppose we shall have to, if only to shut her up about it.

Our demands will be simple.
1. Quit using the extraneous U in words such as labor. You no longer are British. Quit putting on airs.
2. Make CKLW play Motown songs again. I don't care that Motown no longer exists. The world was better when CKLW blasted soul music to listeners from Lansing to Cleveland. MCRGA*.
3. Make Quebec give up French. They have not been French in 250 years. Enough. Parlay voo 21st century?
Oh and we may make Canada take back Seth Rogen. Depends on if he is on that list of celebrities who threaten to leave when we elect Trump. At any rate, buh-bye Seth.

*MCRGA stands for Make Canadian Radio Great Again.


Please read "Trump the Press," a fun romp through the Republican nomination that uses the deadliest weapon to skewer the media experts: their own words. "Trump the Press" is available as a paperback, and on Kindle.


  1. I'm all for invading Canada if it means sending back Justin Bieber. - Elric

  2. Boy, Ms. Ashby is really willing to become a walking punchline... or a meme.

  3. Does American Spectator still have a "Current Wisdom" page in its print addition? This would belong there, if it still does.

    Mark S.

  4. Three good things I can say regarding Canada.
    1) X files was filmed there.
    2) Bates Motel was/is filmed there.
    3) Back Bacon.

    I have to struggle beyond that.

    President Trump has enough socialism to deal with (see the percentage "I'm with her", Nov. 8, for exact values)--why bother with more?

    Recall that he never said the wall was limited to the south. Just sayin.

  5. For all those crybullies who threaten to move to Canada in case of a Trump win: please go to Venezuela instead; I hear that country is more suitable for die-hard socialists. We don't want any more Yanks, thanks!

  6. Don't invade. Just make a trade -- New England for Saskatchewan and Alberta. They get more people, we get more resources and a generally better brand of people.

  7. Trump will never invade a country that uses the Loon as is currency.

  8. Weird Al broke that story years ago, Maddy.

    "Canadian Idiot

    Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
    Don't wanna be some beer-swillin' hockey nut
    And do I look like some frostbitten hose-head?
    I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed

    They all live on donuts and moose meat
    And they leave the house without packin' heat
    Never even bring their guns to the mall
    And you know what else is too funny?
    Their stupid Monopoly money
    Can't take 'em seriously at all

    Well, maple syrup and snow's what they export
    They treat curling just like it's a real sport
    They think their silly accent is so cute
    Can't understand a thing they're talkin' aboot

    Sure they got their national health care
    Cheaper meds, low crime rates and clean air
    Then again well they got Celine Dion
    Eat their weight in Kraft macaroni
    And dream of drivin' a Zamboni
    All over Saskatchewan

    Don't wanna be a Canadian idiot
    Won't figure out the temperature in Celsius
    See the map, they're hoverin' right over us
    Tell you the truth, it makes me kinda nervous

    Always hear the same kind of story
    Break their nose and they'll just say "sorry"
    Tell me what kind of freaks are that polite?
    It's gotta mean they're all up to somethin'
    So quick, before they see it comin'
    Time for a pre-emptive strike!"

  9. Operation Leafblower is a go.

    -Mikey NTH

  10. Canada was supposed to be ours when Benedict Arnold, Dan Morgan, and Richard Montgomery invaded in '75. If nothing else, it would give us Barry's 60 states.

    "Canada is a country worthy of invasion. Canada has abundant resources of fresh water, oil, coal and timber"

    Then, again, it's full of Canucks. Can we take the country but ship the Canucks to Mexico or someplace?

  11. Some Canadians overestimate their importance.

  12. whatever Trump does after we conquer canada, do not make them the 51st state. Too many lefties up there.

  13. If only John Candy was still alive to govern the Canucks.

  14. Like my sister. She said she will move to Canada if the Donald wins. Think she might like it in Venezuela...

  15. I think she hasn't noticed that the muslims have already invaded.