All errors should be reported to DonSurber@gmail.com

Saturday, April 28, 2018

My White House correspondents dinner routine

(Originally posted on Wednesday, April 11, 2018. The dinner is tonight. Please enjoy.)

Last year's guest comic at the White House correspondents dinner, Hasan Minhaj, said Trump skipped dinner "because he can't take a joke."

With that in mind, I am putting my bid in to host this year's dinner.

Here is my proposed script.

"Thank you, it is an honor to be here tonight. So, once again President Trump skipped partying with the wallflowers because he cannot take a joke. He's in Mar-a-Lago tonight sulking. And by sulking, I mean having the time of his life with his gorgeous model wife.

"You call this the nerd prom. That's because for so many of you this is the first time you have a date. I haven't seen this many virgins since I visited the Vatican.

"I kid.

"Bob Woodward is here. It is great to finally meet a man who inspired so many losers to become journalists. He's finally starting to look like Robert Redford who played him in the movies. Redford didn't age well.

"Carl Bernstein made it here tonight too. Busy season for him. A Republican is president so Bernstein has to go on CNN a lot to deliver his line, 'Worse than Watergate.' What a career. No one made more off three little words since Ted said, 'I'm a Kennedy.'

"I kid.

"Note to April Ryan. Sarah Sanders finally made you that pecan pie you wanted. Um, I wouldn't eat it if I were you. And not just because you could stand to lose 50 pounds.

"I kid.

"Is Jim Acosta here? He's living proof that immigrants do a better job than we natives. You were born in Washington, weren't you?

"I kid.

"Is Major Garrett here? What a man. What a correspondent. What a name. I cannot understand why after all these years he hasn't been promoted. He should be a colonel by now.

"Someone wake up Chuck Todd. Oh wait, those are just his sleepy eyes. Hey, don't be upset because the president called you Sleepy. At least he didn't call you Dopey. He reserves that title for the people at MSNBC. Oh, I forgot. You work there too.

"I kid.

"Sean Hannity couldn't make it tonight. He's too busy eating Jimmy Kimmel's lunch. Hannity is starting to look a little chunky, too.

"I see Jeff Zucker's sock puppet is here tonight. Hey, Jake Tapper, how about standing up and taking a bow? What? Too hard to do with Zucker's hand up you? How long can his arm be? He's a foot shorter than you.

"I kid.

"Ah Jeff Zucker. Under his leadership a boring news channel that was in last place has become a boring Fake News channel that is in last place. Impeachment is just around the corner. Honest. This time Wile E. Coyote finally catches the Road Runner.

"I kid.

"Andrea Mitchell is here with her husband, Alan Greenspan. I love those November-December marriages. Till death do they part. She never thought it would take this long.

"I kid.

"Is Joy Reid here? Or is she too busy boycotting Doctor Seuss because he is a racist? One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish. How come there is no Black Fish? And how come there is no Three Fish? Sounds Cis Binary to me.

"I see Jeff Bezos is here. It's the light shining off his head. I get that democracy dies in darkness, but could he put a hat on one night a year? People are trying to eat.

"I kid.

"Is Katy Tur of MSNBC here? She is one of the bravest women in journalism. She actually slept with Keith Olbermann and admitted it.

"I see Carrot Top is here. Excuse, that's Kathy Griffin. I should have known better. They may look the same, but he's the one with the talent.

"And a career.

"I kid.

"Is Wolf Blitzer here? Everyone thinks he is dumb because he lost on Jeopardy, baby. But he is so proud of himself. Last week he completed that puzzle he was working on in a month's time. The box said two to four years.

"Right now, Chris Cuomo is going, 'I don't get that joke.' That's because he's still working on the puzzle. Spoiler alert, the block shaped like a triangle goes in the three-sided hole.

"I kid.

"What a banner year for journalism. NBC canned Matt Lauer because of sexual harassment. CBS canned Charlie Rose because of sexual harassment. Fox News canned Bill O'Reilly because of sexual harassment. Who's next? Kent Brockman?

"PBS canned Garrison Keillor for the same reason. The tip off was when he changed the name from Lake Woebegon to Lake Wanna-see-me-naked. Nobody wants to see any man over 60 naked. Right, Andrea?

"I kid.

"Well, you've been a lovely audience. Now if you would kindly put down the pitchforks and torches, I'll make my way out of here."

30 comments:

  1. What a sight.

    A dozen so-called celebrities, with bolt-transfixed little crab-apples atop their heads.

    Gotta admire that patented Surber rapid-fire comedy cross-bow.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love it, Don! You have a whole new career ahead.

    ReplyDelete
  3. That is a great speech except for all the "I kid."'s

    ReplyDelete
  4. " I mean having the time of his life with his gorgeous model wife."

    Dude, the wife is fake. The marriage is fake. She can't stand to be around the fat slob and he humiliates her by cheating with porn stars. Don "The John" ain't livin' the life. It's a sad, sad hell I hope he lives long enough to fully experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your liberal tears are oh so sweet to us. And I guess their son is fake too?
      ---Fred

      Delete
    2. You know when they have nothing to counter with when they go for the ad hominems.

      Delete
    3. They do tend to add hominahominahominas.

      Delete
    4. What kind of reply is that?

      Who does that? Who talks and thinks like that?

      Sad commentary on the one espousing such things. Either a troll whose life is filled trying to make opponents feel bad, but is not serious and, thus, a cynical crank or a truly warped person.

      Delete
    5. "Who does that?"

      A Lefty making minimum wage to type talking points on a comment board.

      I'm here all week.

      Delete
  5. I wish we could have a conservative blogger's correspondents dinner, where you could deliver this speech.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ever thought of changing your name from Don Surber to Don Rickles? It's available.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Fantastic!!! Not easy to do even with a target rich environment like the fake media. I love the Mitchell/Greenspan facts!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yep, you should be emcee at that thing, Don. Lend some insight to an otherwise purblind affair.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ron in Ohio Sez:

    Fan-damned-tastic speech. If they won't let ya host they should at least offer ya' the job of speech writer. Funniest piece of satire that I've read in awhile.

    Only crap in this whole thread, in the comments section, was the too often presence of "Anonym-Ass" - Ya' know the one I'm referring to - The neutered one, without the balls to identify himself.

    Ya' really need to pull a Zuckerberg on that one Don. I let my cat out to spread his crap outside - I don't let him in the house to do it.

    ReplyDelete
  10. So the President decided to stay home with Melania tonight.
    Men, I want you all to glance at the women at your table.
    Enough said.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oooooh, that one drew blood!

      I'm with the President: I'd much, much rather look at Melania!

      Delete
    2. And you are not kidding!!! LOL

      Delete
  11. It's official. Big D is now the funniest, wickedest slayer of MSM gods and goddesses in America. This stuff is off-the-charts funny.

    ReplyDelete
  12. If you want to see the moment Trump became truly determine to obliterate Obama's legacy, watch the WH Correspondent's dinner that Obama invited Trump to.

    The whole idea of the dinner is that they hire a bunch of comics to tell jokes at POTUS expense, as he sits next to them, and then POTUS gets the last word as he makes fun of the reporters.

    Not that year.

    They invited Trump, and he sat in the middle of the room while the comics took turns trashing him, and then POTUS got up and trashed him too.

    Trump was clearly NOT amused.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "If you want to see the moment Trump became truly determine to obliterate Obama's legacy"

      Obama. Obama. Where have I heard that name before? It sounds vaguely familiar. Hmmmmm.

      Delete
    2. That pushed him to finally run.

      Delete
  13. Thank you for bringing this classsic post back to the top.

    ReplyDelete
  14. The Live Stream for the Trump Rallt tonight is here:

    https://www.clickondetroit.com/live/live-stream-president-trump-holds-rally-in-michigans-macomb-county-on-april-28

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I read it is supposed to be on national television too,per a tweet from the POTUS.

      Delete
  15. “Andrea Mitchell is here with her husband, Alan Greenspan. I love those November-December marriages. Till death do they part. She never thought it would take this long.”

    Life is like a box of chocolates. First you eat the chocolates ... then they put you in the box.

    ReplyDelete
  16. As Norm MacDonald said at his hilarious turn as the ESPYs host in 1998: "I took this job for one reason only. This show has interns."

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2mhUIIhcTb8

    ReplyDelete
  17. I didn't hear Don Rickles, I heard Triumph the Insult Comic Dog .See Triumph on YouTube.

    I keed, I keed!

    - Toby Flenderson

    ReplyDelete