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Friday, August 12, 2016

Introducing Jebbio McCruzney

Republicans rejected the Republican Establishment's candidates: Jeb, then Marco, and finally, Ted. Undaunted, the Republican Establishment presses on to rid the party of Donald Trump. Political scientists working at a secret laboratory in a bunker under the cheap seats at Wrigley Field have developed the perfect presidential candidate.

They will unveil their creation at a news conference on Monday at the offices of The Weekly Standard, as the Democratic Party headquarters was already booked.

Called the JMC 2016, their creation is the world's first Cyber Candidate. It combines the best qualities of the nominees in 2008 and 2012, as well as the three establishment candidates.

Which means it has the energy of Jeb Bush, the humility of Ted Cruz, the uncompromising spine of Marco Rubio, the discipline of John McCain, and the loyalty of Mitt Romney.

Word has it that these five qualities will each be given a color and when their owners switch on their power rings, they will combine and become Jebbio McCruzney, Cyber Candidate -- the formal name of the JMC 2016.

It is powered by alternative energy -- burning hundreds of millions of dollar bills to keep its engine running until Election Day.

The JMC 2016 will be programmed to deliver the daily message (pre-screened by a focus group assembled daily by Frank Luntz) without a gaffe and without an ad lib. When a Democrat criticizes the JMC 2016, the candidate is programmed to immediately apologize and fire a staffer as a way to keep the peace between the two parties.

Best of all, the JMC 2016 will never make waves and never question free trade, call for deporting illegal aliens, or bring up terrorism. Instead it will stick to the same formula for winning that McCain and Romney used.

Sure, JMC 2016 will lose rather handily to Hillary because she has something the JMC 2016 does not have: determination. After all, its motto is "Honor Before Victory."

Besides, they did not create Jebbio McCruzney to win. They created it to stop Trump.

***

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16 comments:

  1. You left out the part about it giving a really gracious concession speech.

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  2. Is he related to Milton the Monster, created by mad scientist Professor Montgomery Weirdo and his assistant Count Kook? - Elric

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  3. Among the many "fine qualities" embodied in the Dem party there is only one that I wish for Repubs to emulate. The will to win. Democrats do what it takes to win. Rally round Satan if need be but defend and advocate always.

    Republicans stride from the field of battle, heads held high, honor intact, abject losers.
    However, for the #NeverTrumpers that's often not what's going on. Many are not honor driven conservative purists. Many are Globalists, members of the uni party who don't care which party rules as long as the rulers rule, the money flows and power continues to accrete to the mega wealthy.

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    1. The Washington Generals don't win, either, but they get paid.

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  4. Also, JMC 2016 will talk a lot about "bipartisanship." Do you know how effing sick that word makes me? The Demmies brought this on. They push, we cave. They push, we cave. And in the rare instances where we stand up, then you hear the jackals howl that we're not being bipartisan. Screw that. You think DJT will meekly submit to that bullshit? Oh HELLZ no...

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  5. They probably don't really want to win because that would require them to actually make leadership decisions. While they are proud to be #NeverTrump, they realize they aren't Ronald Reagan and hope nobody notices.

    The GOPe obviously do no want us uneducated rubes in their precious party. If they choose to screw with our overwhelming choice maybe it time to sit on our hands after November and let them have their loser party. Maybe it's time to form a new party that is a real choice. In the words of a great American who they respect.....Burn that bitch down.

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  6. Even Bernie Sanders, a freaking communist that wasn't even a member of the Democrat party before he ran, and then promptly quit the party once again after losing, had more honor than all the #nevertrump candidates in heartily endorsing Crooked Clinton.

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  7. I think I've seen him, he looks like Wilhelm Klink without the charisma.

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  8. 88 more days of these bizarre, arrogant delusions of a "President Trump". And then the cold, hard reality of a "President Clinton". 88 more days.

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    1. Stick your head back in the toilet where you found it.

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  9. The Weakly Sub-Standard - where Wee Willie Kristol, Stephen Hayes and crew never saw someone else's 18 year old son or daughter that they want to see put their life on the line for the neocons' goals of perpetual war, policing the world and building democracy in nations that don't want it.

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  10. Four years of Clinton will be like the last years of the Brezhnev era: exhausted, depressed, corrupt, waiting for the end. Having no charisma, she will be unable to inspire even her own; being corrupt to the core, she will be dogged by endless scandal over the Clinton Crime Foundation; being unwell, we will watch in morbid fascination as her health declines and she "short circuits" more and more, until one day she collapses and Bill takes over the reins of government, just like Edith Wilson did for Woodrow. Our great republic, once again on its knees because of progressives and leftists.

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    1. Clinton has plenty of charisma. The press tells us so. Just like Michelle Obama is an attractive beacon of fitness and fashion.,

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    2. You misspelled she-elephant butt there.

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  11. Darn, SOB lost to generic Dem with 10 million new voters.

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  12. The problem with their five rings is that Sauron Hildabeast has the one ring to rule them all.

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