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Friday, May 15, 2015

Raise money by raffling a seat on Dzhokhar Tsarnaev's firing squad

A jury of his peers sentenced Boston Marathon Terrorist Dzhokhar Tsarnaev to execution. The Supreme Court should give the defense 30 days to appeal, hear the appeal, and tell Obama to shoot him.

I say we hold a raffle -- or maybe auction off -- a slot on the firing squad. Oh definitely, we shoot the bastard.


  1. Brick him into a room with no door, lights, water or furniture. Leave him alone for 40 days and 40 nights. Drill a hole and send in a camera. If he moves or breathes, close it up for another 40 days and 40 nights.

    This way God will take care of Tsarnaev and he won't be anyone's martyr.

  2. Oh, no, I like the raffle idea. I know I'm good for $20! :)

  3. Give him "The Boats" -- a tried and true, if a bit out of fashion, method that is sure to satisfy:

    "The intended victim was stripped naked and then firmly fastened within the interior space of two narrow rowing boats (or hollowed-out tree trunks) joined together one on top of the other with the head, hands and feet protruding. The condemned was forced to ingest milk and honey to the point of developing severe diarrhea, and more honey would be poured on them to attract insects, with special attention devoted to the eyes, ears, mouth, face, genitals, and anus. In some cases, the executioner would mix milk and honey and pour that mixture all over the victim. They would then be left to float on a stagnant pond or be exposed to the sun. The defenseless individual's feces accumulated within the container, attracting more insects which would eat and breed within the victim's exposed flesh, which—pursuant to interruption of the blood supply by burrowing insects—became increasingly gangrenous. The individual would lie naked, covered from head to toe in milk, honey, and their own feces. The feeding would be repeated each day in some cases to prolong the torture, so that fatal dehydration or starvation did not occur. Death, when it eventually occurred, was probably due to a combination of dehydration, starvation, and septic shock. Delirium would typically set in after a few days."

  4. Auction off all the slots for his firing squad. Just to be safe, it should comprise at least 267 slots, one for each victim of their plot. For good measure, arm them with .22s, and have them shoot from 150 yards, one shooter at a time.