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Sunday, May 10, 2015

Hillary's Mother Day call

Flush with cash from such international horror shows as Saudi Arabia dictators who won't let women drive and execute gay people, Hillary Clinton scared up some petty cash today by offering to call the mother of a lucky winner on Mother's Day. Her motivation wasn't money -- she is already bought and sold by the very people she denounces -- but rather to involve the little people in her Borg-like campaign. $1,000 donations are hardly worth the effort to collect, so you can image how hard she laughed at the five-buck crowd. So how did the call go? Maybe something like this:

HUMA WEINER: Time to make the call, Hill.
HILLARY: Do I have to? (Fakes laugh.)
HUMA: Let's see who the winner is from our randomly selected name on the computer. Ahmas As-Hial of Minneapolis.
HILLARY: A rag-head? Oh please.Can't we find someone normal. (Pauses.) No offense.
HUMA: None take. OK, next name is Papadopoulos Papageorgiou.
HILLARY: What? You gotta be kidding. Not some Polish name I cannot pronounce.
HUMA: It's Greek.
HILLARY: Even worse. Took me two years to learn how to pronounce George Stephanopoulos. kept calling him Snuffleupagus. He should have shortened it to Stevens.
HUMA: How about Cletus McCoy of Hazard, Kentucky?
HILLARY: How about you get someone in North Carolina who isn't black, gay or Chinese? We need the straight, fundamentalist vote.
HUMA: Will Stockdale. I'll dial. (Works the phone, hands it to Hillary)
HILLARY: Is this Wiil Stockdale of Manteo, North Carolina? It is? Well, this is Hillary Clinton. Yes, she. Why thank you. Now I am here to talk to a very special lady, your mother (Pauses. Looks at card.) Martha Stockdale. Yes, I'll wait. What's that? She is hard of hearing? Well, that's OK. (Covers phone.) He's getting her.
HUMA: Why doesn't he just hand her the cellphone.
HILLARY: Probably has to crank the phone. (Both laugh.) Wait she's here.
HUMA: Good luck. Remember to fake sincerity.
HILLARY: Hi Missus Stockdale. I am delighted to talk to you in these arduous times when Republicans are relentlessly trying to cut back Social Security and end Medicaid so they can give even larger donations, er, tax cuts to the Koch Brothers and Exxon that come at the expense of the average, hard-working people like your son, who I am sure either goes to work each day or hits the pavement each day looking for a job which is difficult after six years of President Obama's administration, I mean, the economy he inherited from George Bush, and the unnecessary and illegal war in Iraq, which I supported at the time... (Pauses.) What's that's? Repeat myself? You didn't hear it because you didn't have your hearing aid on?
HUMA; (Worriedly.) Um, Hillary remember what the doctors said. Count backward from five before you say your next word.
HILLARY: You bitch. You $%^&-ing whore. How dare you not $%^&-ing have your $%^&-ing hearing aid on when I deign to call you out of all the little, ignorant supporters who think their $20 donations are going to make any difference in the world. (Covers the phone.) Don't worry. Clem and Clementine put the phone down as they they went to get her -- in her words -- ears.
HUMA: Oh that is Hillary-ous, boss.
HILLARY: Isn't it? My witticism is something only my friends know about. Oh, wait, she's back. Hi Missus Stockdale. I am delighted to talk to you in these arduous times when Republicans are relentlessly trying to cut back Social Security and end Medicaid so they can give even larger donations, er, tax cuts to the Koch Brothers and Exxon that come at the expense of the average, hard-working people like your son, who I am sure either goes to work each day or hits the pavement each day looking for a job which is difficult after six years of President Obama's administration, I mean, the economy he inherited from George Bush, and the unnecessary and illegal war in Iraq, which I supported at the time...

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